I admit that 2015 was not a very good year for me. It has been a struggle emotionally. However, there are still good memories and I will cherish them despite the fact that those good memories nearly have an associated bad memory. For now, I wish to refrain from publicly sharing what the details of what has happened. People close to me — both family and friends — know what has being going on, though.

The emotional turmoil has led me to a downward spiral spiritually. I stopped going to Mass sometime in January 2015 and almost had a zero prayer life after that. This of course led to me being spiritually dead. I fell into sin and almost didn’t care that I did. Somehow, I knew that I needed to get to Confession, but kept pushing it off. For some reason, I managed to convince myself that I didn’t need to go to confession yet because I was going to sin again within the week and I can always go the following week. However, I will eventually make the same excuse the following week, and the week after that.

Since I stopped going to Mass, I also stopped serving in my parish and gave up my position as a lector. My friends in the ministry knew what was going on in my personal life, so they understood why I took my leave. My initial plan was to be back to serve by Holy Week or during Easter since I thought my emotional turmoil would be fixed by then, but being away from Mass and the sacraments plus the emotional issues were still there, serving didn’t seem that important anymore.

Looking back, it was the worst thing I could have done. Instead of coming to God, to Jesus, to Mary, to the Saints, and the Church, I chose to shut them out. Instead of looking to the Sacraments of Reconciliation and the Holy Eucharist, I turned away from them. I question God how could He let this happen to me. Everything was perfect but now it was in shambles.

By October, I had fallen deeper into sin. I was addicted to pornagraphy and self-stimulation. I knew it was wrong, but I didn’t care. At the same time, I knew October is the month of the Most Holy Rosary so I told myself that I needed to start praying the Rosary again; it was the month that I needed to repent and be reconciled to the Church through the help of the Blessed Mother. Sadly, although I have almost always kept Rosary in my pocket, I never prayed it.

Then, on October 30, I received a phone call that turned my already upside down world into something much worse. Without another thought, I texted several people that I needed to talk to, including my Parish Priest and set up an appointment for the following day. It was a shot in the dark because I know that he’s very busy and it was short notice. I guess that the Blessed Mother, was looking out for me though because my pastor was free in the afternoon. Everything seemed to be falling into place.

So on October 31, the last day of the month of the Holy Rosary, I went to my Parish Priest and asked for his advice and asked him to hear my confession. I admitted to myself what I had known all along: that I had fallen so far from God’s grace. How I cried during confession and when I received absolution. It was as if a heavy burden was lifted from my shoulders. I knew that my situation was far from solved, but I felt much better and really felt God’s love and mercy at that time. I cried even more at the Adoration Chapel where I prayed the Rosary. I knew Jesus was right there in front of me and I felt him comforting me, consoling me. I felt the Blessed Mother letting me lean my head on her lap and she was stroking my head.

Since then, I have been actively going to Mass on Sundays and on days of obligation. If I have time, I also go to daily Mass. In terms of praying the Rosary daily, I still need a lot of work. The same goes for weekly visits to the Adoration Chapel.

Amazingly, new opportunities for me to serve my at my parish. At the same time, I have also asked my parish priest permission to go back to being a lector.

Christmas was a specially difficult time but now I am more confident to trust in the Lord. It is not by my standard of time that my prayers will be answered, but His. I still do not understand why my life has ended up in this way.

As the new year comes in, I do not know what to expect. I do not know what is going to happen. All I can do right now is put my trust in Him and His plan for me.